7 Stages of Grief…. Infertilty style

I had no idea the effect of simply writing what I was feeling 2 days ago would have on me.  I have never been much of a writer, let alone about something so deeply personal.  But, it was very cathartic.  I was thinking about my post in relation to the traditional seven stages of grief.  Here they are according to recover-from-grief.com:

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. Depression & Reflection
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction & Working through
7. Acceptance & Hope

As I pondered each of these, I realized that I had gone through each step many times in these past 18 years.  Sometimes monthly.  Especially after my miscarriage.

So, over the next 2 weeks, as part of my pledge to embrace my grief, I will be doing a series on what these 7 steps have looked like in my life in regards to infertility and hopefully in the lives of others as well.

If you know someone who is going through infertility, encourage them to read these.  I hope they will be a blessing.

In Christ.

Image courtesy of [stockimages] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Grief is an odd thing…

I’ve been feeling down for the past few days, and I honestly could not figure out why.  We missed church Sunday.  Again. 3 was up all.night.long and we were all completely exhausted.  He hasn’t transitioned to a new church well.  But that’s a post for another day. 

I always struggle with depression more when we miss church.  But this week it has been more.  Deeper.  Different.  I knew I needed to spend more time in the Word, but didn’t. I knew I needed to eat better, but didn’t.  I knew I needed to exercise, but didn’t. Honestly, I just didn’t care. If you’ve never struggled with depression, this may sound odd to you. I understand.  It used to sound odd to me too.  Depression isn’t (always) about sadness.  It isn’t about a lack of gratitude.  It isn’t about not being happy.  For me, it’s apathy.  I know there are things, like diet, exercise and especially time with Jesus that make a big difference.  But I can’t do any of them.  I just can’t.

Then, I stumbled upon a blog post that brought my grief back to the surface again.  Proverbs 30:15a-16 (NLT) says, “There are three things that are never satisfied— no, four that never say, “Enough!”: the grave, the barren womb, the thirsty desert, the blazing fire.”  Wow. This is very true. My womb has been barren all 18 years of our marriage.  Except for one 7 week stretch, when I was pregnant.  Then miscarried. Now, I am 2 weeks away from a total hysterectomy. 14 days.

I thought I had dealt with the emotions surrounding this decision. I knew they would resurface. But, I didn’t think it would come BEFORE the surgery and in such a debilitating way.  The barren womb is never satisfied.  Even though I am a mom. Even though I don’t really feel like the surgery is taking away my fertility.  I truly don’t feel like I ever had it. Not really.  But here I am, grieving. 

I think I am grieving what I think SHOULD have been.  Or, at least what COULD have been.  I always wanted to be a mother.  ALWAYS. I always wanted a big family.  My husband and I have 3 and 5 siblings respectively and my best friend has always been my sister.  We are just over 2 years apart in age, and still very close.  I wanted all that for my kids.  But, instead, we have one son.  Who is now 5. Even if/when we do another infant adoption, he will be an only child because of the age difference. I grieve that for him. I grieve that over my 20’s I was so focused on what I was MISSING that I wasn’t at all thankful for what I HAD! I grieve that I still feel physical and emotional pain every time I see a pregnant woman or a breastfeeding mom. Every.time.

So, what now? Instead of pretending like I don’t feel the way I do, or pushing it down, I’ve decided to live with my grief for the next 14 days.  Live with it.  Embrace it.  Walk through it.  Somehow, I still have to cook dinner, do the dishes, play cars (again!) with my wonderful gift from God.  I will choose to feel the grief and still be thankful.  Feel the pain and still move forward.  Feel the disappointments and still get things ready for my 6 week recovery.  I will because I must.  I will because “Greater is HE that is in me than he that is in the world.” 

Feet off the Floor

3 doesn’t take naps anymore. I know. It’s a sad day!

BUT, I still NEED that time when he used to nap!!! What to do?? I saw lots of ideas for a “quiet time”, but knew this would be a battle with 3. It sounds too much like nap time. And, as he tells me quite vocally, “I don’t WANT to take a nap!!”

When I read the term “Feet off the Floor” time (I don’t remember where), it instantly clicked with me! The rules are simple. You can play quietly with anything listed on your chart, as long as you are “feet off the floor.” No running around, no jumping on the bed, etc. You may NOT leave your room for any reason except to use the bathroom (he went 4 times in an hour the 1st day! LOL).

And, do you know what??? He LOVES it!! Having a rough morning, I just have to threaten to replace Feet off the Floor with a nap, and he changes his tune. If he doesn’t (like today), he takes a nap.

I made a simple chart using pictures of his toys I thought he could play quietly with and hung it in his room. His choices are: trains, cars, Mr. Potato Head, Legos, Reading, Puzzles and SLEEPING. (I doubt he will choose to sleep, but it’s on there anyway!!)  Your child might need different choices!

Overall, I love it too. I still get one hour of uninterrupted time and he still gets some quiet down time he needs!

Wisdom from Mater

Hubby had a business trip this week and 3 and I decided to tag along. Swimming in the hotel pool, eating sweets for breakfast, lounging around all day playing, etc… Sounded like a great plan.

However, I forgot one very important thing. 3 does not deal with change well. In fact, he thrives on routine, order, and familiar surroundings. So, as you can imagine, this week did not go exactly as planned. Instead there was fit throwing, crying and lots of snuggling. And movies. Well, one movie over and over again.

3 has been OBSESSED with Cars 2 since getting it for his Gotcha Day. We have probably seen it hundreds dozens of times. (I know there is controversy about the overall message, but I digress…)

There is a point at the end of the movie (spoiler alert!) where Mater says, “It was you leaking oil at the party in Japan not me.” Sir Axelrod responds, “Electric cars don’t use oil, you twit!” Then Mater says something that has been rolling around in my mind all week. He says, “Then you’re faking it. You didn’t switch to no electric engine.”

Tonight the Lord showed me why those words have stuck in my mind (in Mater’s voice, no less!). Matthew 7:16 says, “And you shall know them by their fruit.” It is much the same thing. Mater KNEW Sir Axelrod was faking because there was EVIDENCE.

I pretend sometimes (like when planning this trip) that everything is completely fine and 3 will not struggle a bit. But the EVIDENCE says otherwise.

More importantly, what does my fruit from this week say about me as a mother and Christ follower? Did I always respond with patience
and snuggles? No. In fact, I was so frustrated one day I sent 3 with Daddy to the park and I sulked in the hotel room alone. Although there is nothing wrong with needing alone time, trust me, my attitude was bad. Very stinky fruit.

If my primary goal is to model Christ to 3 and teach him His ways, I cannot choose stinky fruit. Will I make mistakes? Obviously! But I need to be more intentional about recognizing what fruit I am setting before my son and others.

How do I do that? First, I need to make sure I am digging into the Word daily. I have neglected being at all consistent in that these last few weeks. Second, prayer over 3 and his Daddy, but also over my own struggles and weaknesses. Thirdly, I need to plan better. I should have planned the days of this trip better, especially breakfast foods.

Thankfully, our God is gracious and His mercies are new every morning.

When and how?

My dear friend is expecting her second child.  Her first born is one year older than 3.  We are all very excited for them, but it brings up an interesting dilema for us.  When and how do we tell 3 more information about what “being adopted” means? 

He has always known that he is “adopted”.  But, at three years old, he truly has no idea what that means.  He knows T and sees her several times a year, but doesn’t, can’t, understand fully who she is.  Can a three year old understand the term “birthmother”? 

I know this is the age when it is “normal” for children to begin to ask questions about where babies come from.  But, when that child has been adopted, it becomes a bit more complicated.  I expect any day to hear some form of the where-do-babies-come-from question.  But, it’s the NEXT question that makes me wonder when and how….

“Was I in your tummy??”  Obviously I will tell him, no.  But, do I stop there and wait for him to ask more questions?  Do I tell him he was in T’s tummy and explain, in my most basic way, that that is what adoption is?  Or is that too much all at once? 

I am by far not a perfect parent, and I know one of my faults is talking too much.  For example, I’m working on telling 3 what I expect one time, then expect him to obey.  So, I don’t want to avoid discussing the details that he is ready for, but I also don’t want to overload him with too much information.  According to most articles and books I’ve read by adoption experts, it boils down to the fact that each child is ready for differing amounts of information at different ages.  So, how do i know when 3 is ready?

Right now, I’m not sure.  So, I’ll continue to read and pray and be honest with him.  I love him too much to do anything else.

On 3’s birthday

I am especially reflective today.Today is 3’s third birthday.  I can’t help but celebrate and feel the day is a bit bittersweet at the same time.  I celebrate for 2 and I, and think about how “T”, 3’s birthmom, is feeling today.

We celebrate becoming parents.  We celebrate the wonderful boy that he is.  A lover of music and learning.  A child that truly cares for others and makes friends easily. One who is sometimes loud and occasionally disobedient.  He is sensitive and tenderhearted while also stubborn (aren’t all three year olds??).  One who thrives on one on one time with his parents and plays well in small groups, yet is shy in large gatherings.  We even celebrate that T can be with him at times and can see these traits in him. 

3 is too young to fully understand his adoption, although we have literally told him since the day he was born that he is adopted.  We will never hide the truth of his beginnings from him.  I’m so thankful that we can know and have access to his birthparents for his benefit and for theirs.  But, he is at that age where he will start to ask questions about where babies come from and we’ll discuss in more detail about how he didn’t come from Mommy’s tummy, but was in T’s tummy.  I’m reading and praying and planning as much as possible to prepare for these discussions before they arrive, but there are just some things you can’t anticipate.  I’m thankful for the friendship of several families whom have also adopted as well as other blogs and writers who have gone before us.  I hope to learn from their experiences as we walk our path.

But, most of all, I want to always remember that God’s ways are perfect.  He gives grace to us when we need it.  And, Lord knows, that’s quite often.  He even corrects me and I’m so thankful He does.  I know that He will be with us every step of the way, even when we make mistakes.  God has an amazing plan for 3’s life.  I’m blessed to be a part of it.

An Intentional Mommy

Hello!  My name is Jenni and I am a SAHM of a son who turns three today!  I decided to start this blog, mainly as a way to organize my thoughts about daily life as a SAHM adoptive mom.  I hope you will read along with us and feel free to share your thoughts with me. 

Blessings In Christ,

Jenni