Let God lead.
Sounds so simple. Three little words. So easy to type. So very difficult to walk out.
In Christian homeschooling circles, letting God decide the size of your family is a hot topic. It’s debated from both sides about how to afford lots of children and care for them as individuals. But I look it from the other side. What if God leads your family to be small? Or grow it in an unconventional way, like ours, via adoption?
During our years of infertility, I searched the scriptures for verses to stand on. And cling to. And cry over. I would go through phases where I would literally post them around our home. On the bathroom mirror, beside the bed, in my car. Everywhere! Some verses speak specifically to children from the “womb.” One example is Psalm 127:3. “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.” (NKJV) Do I understand why I wasn’t granted this reward from my own womb? No. I doubt I will this side of Heaven.
Other verses don’t address the womb directly. Another verse I stood on was Psalm 113:9. “He maketh the barren woman to keep house, And to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye Jehovah.” (ASV) I would pray these verses every.single.day. When I would discover that I was not pregnant, yet again, I would cry over these verses. “But, God…. I don’t understand…. Your Word says….” Then I would pray, “God, I trust You. I trust Your timing. Your ways are not my ways. I trust You.” Then I would start this same cycle of prayer again. Over and over and over.
Sometimes, depending on my stage of grief, I would question more, or be angry, or cry for days. Or, I would be able to accept and move forward on my better months. But it was never easy. So, over time, I began to wane in my diligence of praying these verses. I would still pray for a baby. Still hope. Still trust. But, I stopped the monthly prayer cycle. Not intentionally, it just sort of happened over time.
Then, one week before my surgery in church, God reminded me of these verses, specifically Psalm 113:9. It was during Praise and Worship time and it was as if He whispered the verse in my heart. I remembered it, pondered it, thinking it was strange it would come to me at that time, with nothing to prompt it. But it wouldn’t leave my spirit.
So, I sat down and looked up the verse right then. It was as if I’d never read it before. I jumped as if jolted by an electrical shock, it was that shocking to me. I had always read the verse and ASSUMED it meant “joyful mother of [biological] children.” I didn’t even realize that I read it with this assumption. But I did. I was SHOCKED that this wasn’t what the verse actually said! I know that probably sounds ridiculous. But I had prayed this verse for years. I was CERTAIN I knew what it said. But, I was WRONG. It doesn’t say that. It doesn’t imply that. Not at all. This rocked me to my core.
Here I was, struggling so greatly over this surgery, facing the end of such a very long battle that was physical, emotional and spiritual in nature, and I didn’t even know the verse I’d used for years to stand on. The one I’d read literally hundreds of times, and I didn’t know it at all. But, God, by His wonderful and merciful grace, didn’t leave me there. Then He said, “Have surgery, THEN, I can make you the JOYFUL mother of CHILDREN.” Wow. What an amazing God I serve.
Sometimes the things of God do not make sense to our human minds. In my case, I had to have a hysterectomy to have more children. I can STILL stand on this same promise I stood on for years. God never changes. His word never changes. He can and will make MANY and MOST the joyful mother of biological children, but not all!
3 is a reward to me and his dad and to T, his birthmother, and family. He is not from my womb, but he is most definitely a reward to our family. God blessed our family when T chose us to adopt him.
Over these last few weeks since my surgery, I have been pondering all of these things. I know one thing, God is still in control.
So, yes. I can let God lead. I can let His timing be in control. And, even when it doesn’t make sense to me, I CAN be a joyful mother of children, even after a hysterectomy.
Image courtesy of [arztsamui] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net