The song above is very dear to me. When there were times I couldn’t pray anything, I would pray for Jesus to hold me or help me. I didn’t understand why I was where I was. I still don’t.
Anger was easy to feel, but I honestly didn’t spend much time being angry. I did, however, bargain. A lot. I did not see it that way at the time though. I felt very guilty because I thought that all of this was somehow my fault. My doing. If I only prayed more. Studied more. Was more loving. A better friend, wife, sister, daughter, that things would change. It’s not that I literally thought if I spent more time in prayer, I would suddenly conceive. But that somehow, I could garner God’s favor in these ways.
I know. That sounds ridiculous. But it’s how I felt. So, legalism swept in and nearly took over my life. I became focused on the doing instead of on the being. On the actions instead of the relationship. This was my form of bargaining.
In all of the doing and busyness, I only got farther away from God. Farther away and more focused on myself. My feelings and wants. My needs and desires. There is a place for expressing these things, don’t get me wrong, but when the focus gets out of balance, so does the walk.
My walk with Christ was out of balance. This was not due to my circumstances. This was due to my choices. If I have learned anything during these last years, it is this. Circumstances do not HAVE to determine our walk with Christ.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
I cannot, like Paul, say that I delighted in my weaknesses and hardships. No. It was ugly. But, this IS possible. My life isn’t over! That’s the good news! Though I have “tried to be strong” in the past, this verse says clearly what we are to do. “For when I AM WEAK, then I am strong!” (emphasis added by me.)
So, in this time of struggle, at the end of my physical struggle with infertility, I will chose to take my weakness to Christ. In Him alone, when I allow him to hold me, then will I be strong.